今天早上因为一些课被取消的关系,在十一点才有课,一个小时的课.......驾着车去上学,路上,突然觉得很困惑......我到底在做什么呢?为什么我会在这里做这些事?这些都是我想要的吗?

也许,我脑袋里想着的,是另一种的生活方式,但是,不由自主地,在急流中,随着混乱漂去,眼睁睁地望着那些理想在岸边回望着我,我漂着漂着,漂不回去了。

我一直都知道,我这么多年来,一直在寻找一样东西,不,不一定是东西,我也说不出来,也许是一种方式、一种信念、一种改变、或是.......一种感觉.........此生无憾的感觉。

我累了很久,一直都很累.....好像自从中五毕业以后,一直到进了大学,都没有放松过.......精神上,折磨地如此纠缠不清,休息的时间,一天比一天少,课业一天比一天繁重。

这真的是我要的日子吗?当学生也已经是这样,除了社会,恐怕更糟糕吧?!无奈地,我正在这种环境下....也许,我不是适合竞争的人,不是拼命的人,也不是上进的人.....我只想不在乎地过着自己想要的生活,我想,我真的很懒。

如果我有那种丢下一切到另外一个地方去,什么都不理的念头,过不过分?很不负责任吧?

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今天睡到上午十一点多才起身,昨天和朋友聊天到凌晨五点多。。。。。要让一个一直在逃避现实的人醒过来,实在是不容易啊!如果说了就会明白,世界上就不会有这么多误会和离别。。。。对不对?我一直都在告诉自己,朋友都放心的对我说出他们的心事,我应该全心全意地去聆听,全心全意地去分担。。。。也许,我存在的价值,就是一直都担着不同人的忧愁,为不同的人削去一点点困扰。。。。。即使只是聆听。。。。如果这真的是我存在的价值,我愿意这样一直背负下去,直到终点。

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开学了,昨天和朋友去RED BOX唱歌的时候,唱着唱着。。。。竟然害怕起来,因为想到第二天就要开始水深火热的生活了。
终于,终于到了。。。。。恢复凌晨六点半起身的日子,果然有点残忍。虽然今天没什么课上,但是,要开的会议是多得。。。。“像垃圾焚烧厂的垃圾一样多!”。但是,为了学弟学妹的幸福,我们还是要和这些“垃圾”做伴的。学弟学妹们,对我还一点吧。
回到家里,原本是打算很勤劳的打扫家里,但是,一回去就到床而睡。。。。唉。。。虽然最后还是有打扫到。。。。但是,原来上课时这么累的。(嗯,虽然今天只有一课~)哈哈。
待会还要回去第一宿舍和新生见面,希望能邀请他们来参加我们的聚会。
哎呀呀!!!!!

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today jz have one hour lecture but i've been busy for the whole day....i wonder why......busy meeting the juniors.....bringing them to their destination where they dont know how to go.....as a senior, we should be this nice...right?haha......well.....at least i think i should be.....no point torturing them since they are too a human like us....furthurmore,younger and new than us.....we should guide them,not ragging.......well....it depends.....one of my friend jz broke up with her boyfriend....and she's...so suffer....but what else can i do except sitting beside her with silence?a little bit a comfort works in this situation.....only time will do the powerful thing....to heal a broken heart...to mend them back....as friend....we jz company them walking through th path of colourless path of time....right?well.....at least i think that too....i've been through it once,and i know how suffer it was....and i know how it become an experience and memory in the deepest heart without anymore serious suffer....well.....God Bless us and want us to grow up...and it's time for everyone.....that meant to be....

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今天起了个大清早,还玩了几个电脑游戏。以为早一点到faculty去,会在小小乱乱的停车场里,争得一席泊车位。怎知道,位子是有啦,却泊到一个exit是会很麻烦的位子。那些乱乱的车子,需要高超的技术和耐心来越过,才能顺利的出到门口。哎,加上。。。。。再加上。。。。很凄凉的加上。。。。。。我的车子。。。没有power stering......天啊。然后,在心媚和佩珊去吃午餐。。。。那个佩珊,竟然只买了一包水果在那边看我们吃。。。。然后一边看两个神经病人在演戏(astro啦)。
晚上又到1st去找人了。。。。。是真的很累。。。也没办法。。。。
真想回家。又不太想回家,因为回家也会累。。。咦??神经病。
“如果说你永远不会爱上我,我还会一直等下去吗?我爱你。” 我放在我的即时通讯的这段话,引起了很多人的关心。。。。他们真的怕我又陷入另一次的伤害吧?其实,我只是对这句话充满了感触,也不一定是我现在的感受。曾经伤害过的,不能灭去,留下的也只是疤痕。
我正在找寻一样东西,正努力的找着,不知道,这次,能不能找到。加油吧,我对我自己说

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today is the first time i went to PJ state church for youth fellowship, is a long gathering, with some pains at the back,haha....but their Drama presentation was great, and the food is delicious too. Tomorrow gotta go for sunday worship again.....the church is more to east peninsular students, so i'm a west peninsular students....erm...ok....should be fine :P.
is a tiring day today too, though everyday is a busy and tiring day for me after school restart....but thanks God today i could sleep until i woke up naturally, and that's what i dream for long time.....
maybe life is uncertain for me, but i knew that God is always there for me and He will comfort me....and if there's some obstacles or disasters occured on me, then i knew that's how God want me to learn things and from the experience, He wants me to help other out of it.
Hope that i can lead more people to follow God's path in the future and in these few years of pursuing my degree. Maybe, the semester i extended for one more semester is God's will so that i can have more time to serve Him in the campus...haha :P.

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i'm a stupid girl!!!STUPID life~~!
我是大笨蛋!!!

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hmmm.....being so so stress lately...remember i told about my messy busy schedule?it's stretching me so much,until the end of my limits.....these few weeks were so tension,if you got on yahoo messenger or msn messenger, you would see how busy i was, because my status will show with busy icon and with some explanation something like this :"ARGH~~TENSION~~~!!!tmr CRITICAL THINKING PRESENTATION!!!holiday is been POSTPONED!!!!DIE!!", and the events to worry and busy about is to change everyday!!!this one is today jz left some presentation to go, several days ago were such a hell, full with heavy exams and i dont have time to revise them!because our course still have the annual gathering to organize and have to push those juniors to brush up their performances and other procedures of the ceremony....really damn hell.
jz today i took some time get update my journal so that people out there wouldn't be too worry about me as if they'll thought i could be in some accidents.....maybe i'll have some severe illness later, cz i'm really tired in physical and mental....real stress, sleep is not enough, eat is not in time, even though i give up my sleeping time, i still have a lot more to be complete.......sigh.....hope that all this worth what i'll get in return in the future......
well, the worst news for me is that our univeristy semester break had been postponed.....meaning that the exams that suppose to be running after the sem break will ne carry on earlier...meaning, we have less one week to prepare it.....and it also mean -- more stress and hell-like of life continue.......
ARGH.................................

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很久很久没有写心情日记了,因为发现自己是累得无法动弹。。。繁忙的课业,占满了我全部的时间。相信吗?我竟然过着每个礼拜都在考试的生活!!说出来也没有人会相信吧?
除此之外,一个礼拜的假期都不能让我暂时停下来,因为开学就有考试。精神上呢?好笑吧?他,天天来我家,紧绷的情绪像随时会断开。。。。要装作若无其事,又在心里隐隐作痛。我对他,竟然到了巴不得他尽快出国的地步。十一月,他就离开了。我会怎么样做呢?去送机?步。。。。我不会出现的,我不知道要怎么面对;在24小时咖啡座呆上一个晚上(像当年那样)?我不知道,只知道。。。那一天,我是不会好过的。。。。
想点开心的,我认识了两个韩国朋友,一个叫做姜恩玉、另一个叫做李惠贞,都是基督徒,也学会了做韩国饭团和泡菜。。。啊!也学会了唱《浪漫满屋》里的儿歌《三只熊》的正版曲。
对了,我的韩国名字竟然是 “소천적” -〉So Chuan Joek !!天啊!真难听。
p/s : 真想一个人去KTV唱歌!

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yesterday went to junior's birthday party at shah alam...it was fun and i felt happy for her because all her family love her so much. and....haha, her house was like, selling/renting movies, got a lot of the movies where it's hot or not even heard of them...then....as like the Mars crash with Earth, i was crashed with those movies, and i borrowed a bunch of them back so that i can watch watch watch and watch.....wuahahahaha....so cool..
life's getting numb....God please help me...

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以为假期后可以轻松一点,哪里知道。。。竟然比还没放假前更忙。
忙着准备迎新的筹备工作。像我,就拿了两个团体的工作,一个是基督徒团契,
也就是马达学园传道会,还有一个就是,我读的生物医药系华人学会迎新筹备工作。
如果可以有很多很多的时间给我用就好了。

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明天又要考试了,为什么这样?每个星期都考!!还一个礼拜给我考三科,是不是要让我疯掉?好选不选,选到这科来读,真是歹命!顺文,你说得对,真想到一个不用读书就可以生存的世界!!有吗?你去的时候记得带我一起去!
我想我得了厌书症,不,应该是说,得了讨厌考试的心理变态,严重那种!!就是连大学都不想读下去了!
我好像病了,颈项有点不对劲的感觉,可是不知道怎么了,没时间去了解,可能等这个地狱般的学期结束后才去检查吧!
如果我够自知之明的话,我就不会选这一科来读,因为我的程度根本差太多了,可见的我真得很笨!

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今天和妹妹一起去美佳堂,差一点迟到,幸好巴士迟来了,赶得及。啊,明天又要上课了,好显,很怕。会很累,很累。

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今天,驾车的时候在马大第一宿舍遇到了他。真巧。当然知道是为了什么。。。。。没想到,心依然会痛。原本已经清醒的,却再一次混乱。我已经肯定死心了。为什么还会有受伤害的感觉?是因为,是她吗?哪一种,才是我真正的感觉?还喜欢着他,所以心痛?受过的伤害,还没好过来,所以痛苦?到底哪一个才是我?我现在真的乱了。只知道,无论哪一个,都是痛的,是伤的。
当时,停下着来打招呼,还大大方方地。之后,却一边驾着车,一边流泪。忍着忍着,直到公寓的停车场,引擎都还没关,我就控制不住地大哭一场。大大地哭一场。哭了这么久,我还是在哭,但是,除了哭,我还能做什么?挽不回的,还是挽不回。我想,在学习沉淀自己的当儿,为自己重伤的心哭泣,算一个纵容吧。
我知道,自己渐渐地静下来的时候,是已累极的时候。累极的我,应该不会再想,不会再想。。。什么都不会再想。也许,只有自己一个,可能是最轻松的时候。活了这么多年,我只为他哭。我想,以后,不会再有第二个了。不能再有,不要再有。

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last two day was my birthday -- 9.6.2005, i was very happy.....
at 8/6 9pm, my friends in bahau came to my house...they bring cakes and beers...
.then we talked, and party!till 00.00am of 9.6.220652005 they sing birthday song for me...
and we ate he icecream cakeand we took photo with each of themthat time have erm.....
6 guys 3 girls inclucde methen we continue to talk on till about 330amand i try to slow their voice down....
but failed....at lastthere was a police car in front of my houseso i go out and they warned us....
so we just talked a little and continue play poker card....lo....till 5am....we promise to eat breakfast at 
7amfor some sleep because they drive....girls stay play poker and our job is wake the guys up at 
630amwhich mean i dint sleep at all that night...then 7am we go to brekfast....then 83oam...after 
breakfast they sent me to bus station and i directly back to my hometown...because there's anoth4r 
celebration...at nightwith church's youth. ^_6
i'm overwhelm!!
thanks god for preparing this such special days and special friends for me!
 

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